Sara And The Starfish

Those in the adoption world are very familiar with the Starfish story.

It is written out HERE.

 

Everyone really can make a difference even to just one child

by donating, advocating and adopting.

 

This sweet film, "Sara and the Starfish", tells the story of the starfish.

 

We have many copies available and for a donation of $15ppd you can have one of your own.

 

Great way to break the ice and start sharing your own adoption or orphan journey!

 

 

 

To purchase a copy of this DVD, click on the 'Buy Now' button below and be sure to include your address with your Paypal payment so we can get your DVD into the mail quickly.

4 Months Home Update

It has been a long four months that have gone by fast. Sounds odd, but true!

I've seen lots of progress this month but first I will share about some of our challenges.

Shortly after I brought Ben home, and we got past that tough first week full of testing behaviors when Daddy had to take charge because I was exhausted and sick, Ben decided he had no use for him. That was surprising because of how they seemed to hit it off on trip 1. I think a lot of it may be because he was used to female caretakers, and at first that is all I was to him. I met all his needs, comforted him, taught him, corrected him, he looked to me for approval on everything and I was with him 24/7. Daddy still had to work so he came and left every day.

Daddy loves to tease, rough house and have fun but Ben did not respond well to that at first. His siblings have grown up seeing and being around all this since birth, but he never had that and couldn't tell the difference between fun and serious. So Ben did all he could to avoid him, not making eye contact, even glaring at him and coming to me for everything. It honestly was frustrating at times because there was no reason for him to be fearful.

It is very hard to learn to love someone who is pushing you away. Quite a lesson in learning to love unconditionally, just as God does. We decided to back off, and just let him observe how the siblings interacted and see if he would warm up. I made a point to stay near Daddy if we were sitting on the couch vs separate couches because it was turning into a battle of Ben choosing between us and we knew we couldn't let him divide us. Daddy made an effort to stay friendly and find some special things to do to interact with him....calling him his buddy and doing high-fives, letting him help with carrying his lunch bag in from the truck, teaching him how to hit a golf ball, or carry tools to the shed etc. Just little things that came up that he could be a part of. Daddy and I got on the same page again about what behaviors were acceptable or not and how we would handle them. Reminding ourselves that we would not allow our other 6yos to hide and sulk, or ignore us when we wre talking to them, we couldn't allow him to do it either. Even with 10 years-7 children worth-of parenting experience, we are still learning.

Just a week ago, we had a campfire in the backyard. I stayed on the deck with the baby so I could watch for sparks flying into the woods, and pass down food as needed. The kids loved it and had fun roasting marshmellows and tossing sticks into the fire.

 

Because I was not near, Ben was forced to look to Daddy for instruction and approval. He taught him where to stand so he wouldn't get hurt, how to toss the sticks in and where to go look for more sticks and pinecones. Everytime he found one, I heard: "Daddy, throw?" Daddy would say yes and Ben would smile and toss it in. Daddy would say "Good job, Buddy" and he would beam as he ran off to look for more. Repeat 50x. But to me it was huge because he saw that Daddy was there to keep him safe and to do fun things with, slowly building that trust back up. (BTW, he has a good throwing arm and we are not yet convinced he is right handed!)

(He did not like the marshmallow part of the smores)

Since then, I've seen lots of improvement in their relationship. It's slow but finally going in the right direction again. Ben has started initiating 'Hello' when he sees him, reacting appropriately and happily when playing chasing type games or tickles, even trying to initiate this interaction again. He says good night and hugs/kisses on his own before bed. He is no longer avoiding him, and tries to talk with him some. Prayers are working!

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Going out in public (or just being around other adults in our home) is still very challenging as he tests me a lot. We went to church on Mother's Day for the first time since he came home. He did fairly well sitting during the service but could not be quiet :) I ended up in the nursery with the little boys during the Sunday School portion. He enjoyed playing and having the small snack and singing songs. Biggest issue came when it was time to leave and he could not understand why he could not keep the car that he played with while we were in there and had a meltdown. It did not help that he was tired and hungry. I will be better prepared next time we go with snacks and a car for him to hold when it is time to leave. I am sure with time he will get used to that.

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Another lesson I've been working on with him is that he often laughs when he is corrected or disciplined. If I am just trying to simply tell him to not do what he is doing, and he starts smiling or laughing, I tell him it is 'not funny'. Yesterday, he started doing that and caught himself while he was beginning to laugh and asked me "Not funny?" :)

Like a baby watching their mama's face for their first year of life and learning about what faces mean happy and which mean sad or disappointment, he does the same thing. He responds very well to facial expressions, though he often tries to use the same looks towards me, haha. You know that mama look out of the corner of your eye? Yes, that look is what he tries on me while saying something very sincerely in mumbled BG.

He loves when you use silly voices to talk and some noises are so funny to him...like water boiling, butter sizzling in the pan, etc. He does not like it when anyone is crying.

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Still working on eating habits and table manners. He does great if I am sitting there next to him but if I leave the room, everything he has learned goes out the window. How to hold the fork, eating normal sized bites and not shoveling it in, not talking with food in his mouth, not playing with his food, eating without making a huge mess, using a napkin, etc. All things I'm still working with his younger siblings on :)

He has gotten pickier with eating each week that goes by. He will still eat anything I give him but if it is something he does not prefer, he saves it for last and dawdles forever until I encourage him along.

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About a month after being home, I tried to sit down with Ben to work on drawing shapes and basic coloring motions, maybe even writing B-E-N. He couldn't even make a mark on the paper. He had memorized his shapes very quickly but could not apply enough force on the crayon to the paper. I really got discouraged at that point, thinking I did not have what it takes to get him caught up with all the developmental delays he has in some areas. I started contacting physical therapists, checking into occupational therapy...what may be available through the school system, etc. Completely forgetting our decision to wait until fall and giving Ben as much time as possible to adjust to family life and see how much he could learn in a family setting without pressure. Remember my post about 'fine motor skill' suggestions? Well, I did some try of the good ideas that were emailed to me, but we did more of just every day life that builds muscles and strength than anything intentional. A few weeks ago, the little girls were coloring, and Ben jumped in and immediately started drawing circles all on his own! No pressure, no expectations and He Did It!! Reassured me that it is okay to just let him be a kid right now and worry about using outside help to catch up later as needed because he is doing just fine with what we are already doing on his own schedule.
 

It's the little victories that are exciting. We missed his first 6 years of firsts. These to me are like the first steps, first words, first smiles...

 

 

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 I've said before how at times it is difficult to know when it is time to raise expectations of what he is capable of doing, not knowing how quickly he will learn or understand. Every time we come home and pull into the driveway, Ben starts hounding big brother to unbuckle his seatbelt for him before I even get the van parked and turned off. After the 500x time of hearing "Jacob...Jacob...Jacob" I decided that it was time to teach him to do it himself. I never remember specifically teaching the other kids, they just kind of learned on their own as we were driving down the road, lol. So I took the car seat out of the van, brought it into the house, buckled him in, showed him how to do it once again and then told him to get out.

 

 When we started, he smiled for the camera.

 

How he really felt about having to learn this lesson. He hates trying new things that are hard.

 

Saying, "Yay!"

In the space of 1/2 an hour, he was able to get in 3x and out 4x completely on his own!!

 

Now the challenge is making sure he waits until the van is off before he unbuckles, haha. After only a few days of leaving a little extra time during errands, he is able to do it very quickly when we are out every time. It still takes him quite a bit of effort but I'm so proud that he can do it! He is gaining confidence and independence.

 

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A few days later, he learned how to open the two baby gates. So now he is able to go to the bathroom on his own without asking for help to get through the gate! 

 

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I shared before how much he loves swinging on the swing. Up until a week ago he would only swing on his belly. We had tried once before to sit him on the swing and push him but he was terrified of that and couldn't hold on. Last week I decided to give it another try. He loved the thrill of swinging high though at first awkwardly held the chains for dear life. He wanted to be pushed quite a bit that afternoon and I showed him how to push off to get going and swing his legs back and forth to keep the swing swinging. Now every time I look outside, he is sitting on the swing, all on his own and swinging away happily. He can easily hold on now and knows how to stop in time if the little boys walk in front of him.

(Yes, these two are almost always together)

 

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Since the last update, something Ben added to our morning routine immediately following the bathroom break after breakfast is getting dressed for the day. Normally if we aren't going anywhere, we get to that eventually but aren't in a hurry. He hates sitting around in his pjs, for some reason. He is able to fully dress himself, though I have to remind him to use his thumb when pulling his pants up as he tries to use the finger-palm grip to pull them up vs gripping the waist band with his whole hand. He is now learning how to snap the front of his jeans now.

 

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As soon as he gets to the family room every morning, he starts asking to watch Thomas the train. He usually does not last the full episode but he does really enjoy them. He also asks to watch 'puppy' which is Leapfrog shows. I've noticed him counting everything now, like the grapes on his plate at lunch, etc. It's nice to see him developing likes/dislikes and voicing them now. He still loves cars/trains, but prefers those that have faces on them. He has mostly stopped called everything that has wheels "Benjamin's kwa". "kwa" has become car, and he knows the difference between car, truck, van, plane, motorcycle, etc and does not refer to them possessively, unless he sees them in a book.

 

He will turn anything into a toy...trash, stick, pretend kitchen pan lid, empty Coke bottles, etc. He usually tries to get whatever it is to make noise by dropping it on a surface, spinning it on the floor, shaking it or tapping it. When he came home, he was not able to and had no interest in putting Duplo's together. It still is not his favorite toy, but he can now do it! He has also taken a liking to a tiny baby doll and little blanket. He wraps the doll up in the blanket and sings "Rock a baby". Often bringing it to me and say 'Ew-baby stink!" and pretending to change it's diaper. He also seems to have a special tenderness towards Joe which is sweet to see.

 

Ben is a magnet to water...unfortunately not always at appropriate times, like when we are getting ready to go somewhere in the van. Be it a puddle, or wherever. We have two sand/water tables on our deck that will get a lot of use this summer. They keep getting full of water when it rains because the kids won't leave the lids on and any chance they get the two little boys are up there splashing away.

 

 

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Language is coming along. Ben has an excellent memory and surprises me when he says things sometimes. Throughout our adoption, I had a playlist of songs I listened to for encouragement. Some days I still need that encouragement and find myself turning that playlist on again. Out of the blue, I heard Ben singing along to three of the songs-he really does listen and remember things, especially if it is music. I will have to take advantage of his tendency to be an auditory learner as we start homeschool this coming year.

More BG words are dropping though he still does a lot of mumbled BG that we can't distinguish. I am working on dialogue with him, teaching him responses when people ask you a question because he still responds with a question most of the time.

Me at lunch time: "Are you hungry?"

Ben: "Hungry?"

Me: Say "Yes, I am hungry"

He often repeats the 'say' part (especially when it's 'Say sorry, Abe' and he apologizes instead of his brother ) also but he gets it and will let you know if he does not want to do what you asked.

Me: "Do you need a nap? Are you tired?"

Ben: Makes a face, shaking his head..."No, tired!"

If he is tired he responds with: "Tired?"

 

 

 

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Speaking of naps...

A couple months after he came home, I started noticing a pattern of at least one day a week would not be a good day for him. He was much more likely to zone out, to meltdown, to want to sit in a corner spinning the wheels on cars, and be more clingy. I realized that he may just be worn out with all the busy-ness, changes and growing he has been doing, he may need a rest. So I started putting him down for naps again. 75% of the time he falls asleep and often I have to wake him up or he will be up until 10 that night. If he is not asleep within 30 minutes, I get him back up again to play. This has made a huge difference in his attitude and his whole ability to cope with things. And the little break I have found has been good on everyone-him included.

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In the coming month we will be getting his eyes checked as we have noticed some straying when he looks at things even just across the room vs next to him.
 

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I am proud of the big kids stepping up to help, and being accepting of the responsibilities and joys their new brother brings. It has been very good for them and they have just welcomed him with open arms just as he is.

 

 

 Can't believe it's already been 4 months since he has been home!  

"Dear Moms of Adopted Children"

Dear Moms of Adopted Children

The journey is not easy...

"But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself." -Kathy Lynn Harris

P.S With Mother's Day coming up, there is an equally good read for the Less Than Perfect Mom!

I am Mommy to 8 beautiful gifts from God on earth and four in Heaven...and I love each of them more than I ever thought possible.

Happy Mother's Day!

Typical Day in our Son's Orphanage

When I went to pick Ben up in January, the director gave me a sheet of paper that listed the schedule for the kids in our son's group. I am not sure how closely it was followed as we saw differences when we were there last summer. I found it helpful to get a little glimpse into what his days were like. We know Ben went to a preschool (kindergarten there) at the local school and I'm not sure when that fit into the day)

• 7:30-7:45   Wake up, get dressed, toilet
• 7:45-8:00   Preparing for breakfast/wash face, hands, nose
• 8:00-8:30   Breakfast
• 8:30-8:45   Toilet
• 8:45-9:30   Play
• 9:30-10:00   Learning
• 10:00-10:15   Toilet
• 10:15-11:30   Walk/Play outside
• 11:45-12:00   Preparing for lunch/washing
• 11:45-12:30   Lunch/washing face & hands after lunch
• 12:30-12:45   Toilet
• 12:45-1:00   Preparation for sleep (they changed their clothes for naps)
• 1:00-3:30   Sleep
• 3:30-4:00   Waking up/get dressed, toilet
• 4:00-4:30   Snack/Toilet, if needed
• 4:30-5:45   Play/Walk/Learn
• 5:45-6:00   Preparation for Dinner
• 6:00-7:30   Dinner/Toilet (not sure why so much time was allotted to this?)
• 7:30-8:30   Play/Get Dressed/Preparing for Sleep/Toilet
• 8:30pm-6:30am   Sleep (not sure what happens during the hour between when they wake up and when they start their day at 7:30 like it says at the top. He wakes up by 6:30 here as well)

Granny Program in B

I wish this was available for every child who lives in an orphanage.

We know Ben had a granny for a period of time and I'm sure it helped him.

They Are Still Waiting...Girls From B

Are one of these your daughters?

Perhaps you are not in a position to adopt right now...

But could you choose just one of these children to pray for,

to share their picture so their family can find them,

or even to donate $5 to their grant (if they have one)?

This country only requires 2 one week trips and multiple unrelated children can be adopted together.

Just click on their name to read more about each child.

Millie (She has a $6351.13 grant!)

Marnie (She has a $6,042 grant!)

 Amelia (She has a $3010.10 grant!)

Dawn (She has a $2342 grant!)

Bryannah  (She has a $2360 grant!)

Nettie (She has a $337.87 grant!)

 Olive

Raelynn HER FAMILY FOUND HER!!

Tiya

Sinclair

Amaris

Ivy

Autumn

 

Fallon

They Are Still Waiting...Boys From B

Are one of these your sons?

 

Perhaps you are not in a position to adopt right now...

 

But could you choose just one of these children to pray for,

to share their picture so their family can find them,

or even to donate $5 to their grant (if they have one)?

 

This country only requires 2 one week trips and multiple unrelated children can be adopted together.

 

Just click on their name to read more about each child.

 

Kyle (He has a $10,250 grant!)

 

Brett (Has a $2740.20 grant!)

Samuel (Has a $4,970 grant!) 

 

Kraig

 

Connor

 

Alonzo

George

Jaysen

Kody

Tristan

 

Pete

 

George

Randy

50,000

We have had exactly 50,000 views/visitors to our blog since it began-wow!

I would love to know who is reading it.

Care to leave a comment?

Favorite post?

Do you have a question about adoption or our family?

Thank you :)

3 Months Home Update

Three months ago, we arrived back in the US for the first time with Ben.

He is a different boy now...it just amazes me!

From his referral picture to the pick up trip and finally to this picture taken at 3 months home!

You hear about the difference a family makes. But watching it happen before your eyes is amazing.

You hear that it will be hard. And it is!

You hear about how it changes you. It does!

You hear how it is worth it.  And it is!

You wonder how you can love a child you did not give birth to, and I can't explain how that happens but you do. (Kinda like how you fall in love with your spouse who is not biologically related to you??)

Sometimes you can't really prepare yourself for what it will be like when your child finally arrives home. Each child is different. Not knowing what to expect, you kinda piece together everyone else's experiences and figure yours will be similar in some way. It might and it might not. Sometimes it isn't the child that has a hard time attaching or adjusting to all the changes.

Adoption is described as redemption for the child, but as a friend fittingly described, it is also sanctification for the parents. We are learning as we go. God is fine tuning us, exposing our selfishness and our need to rely on Him for everything.

So many times throughout our adoption process we have felt alone, hearing crickets when we tried to reach out to people to get involved. Now that we are home, even the crickets have gone away. On those extra hard days, I am thankful for the support of close family who understands what this is like, for fellow adoptive families who have walked this journey with or before us. Most of all I am thankful for the One who led us down this road and is using this experience to draw us closer to Him.

What a blessing we have been given!

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Ben has fit into our family very well. His adjustment could not have been easier after the first week or two home. I am thankful for answered prayers for his heart to be prepared to join ours. Sometimes I think we prepared the siblings too well that the newness wore off way too soon! He is just their brother now, not some stranger to fight over. Big brother was definitely expecting more of an equal playmate than he got but he is learning how to take on more responsibility and lead his brothers which is good for him!

From this picture during the pick up trip to this picture at 3 months home (coming once I find it!)

In three months, Ben has gained 7.8 lbs and grown an inch. He came home wearing size 3t clothes that fit loosely. He now wears size 4 pants, though the waist still needs tightening, He wears size 4 and 5 shirts. He has gone up one half shoe size.

He's learning more every day. Some days slowly, others quickly. Some days we are going backwards and other days he can't seem to get enough.

Ben's personality is coming out more. He is happy and you can hear him singing more songs that he has learned. He is rarely quiet...usually making a noise of some kind all the time. If not that, then he randomly repeats instructions I've given him at odd times. Lately I have heard him repeating to himself  'no tell mama no!" It used to be 'no potty pants" all the time, haha. He seems to understand more every day.

He can be quite silly. Still loves to laugh and be tickled and chased.

He loves to please and is quick to help. Ben does not like it if someone is disappointed with him and is usually quick to make amends and be sure you are smiling again. He is still is in his own little world sometimes while playing but he has finally started sitting in the sandbox and filling buckets with sand or putting duplo blocks together. He loves to go places in the van but is still leery of new places, especially dr offices. If the dr or assistant is wearing a white coat, just forget any cooperation. He reverts back to the monster he was the week in the hotel room and nothing you say or do will calm him down. I wish I knew what caused these fears in him. We knew he had many appts as the drs were trying to figure out the cause of the drooling (still shake my head that they never looked in his mouth and put two and two together) and why developmentally he was slowing down.  I wish I could take those memories away and get him to understand that I won't let it happen again, that he is safe now.

Ben loves to test me. Especially when we are out and there is little I can do and no place to go to take him aside and get him to understand what to do or not do. If I tell him no to something and then leave the room, I can hear him asking a sibling the same question. If his younger brothers pick up his favorite cars (which happen to belong to his sisters) he pretty much melts down and if I am not there when it happens, he will resort to quiet whining, crying and hitting his head on something. A habit he has done for years before we brought him home. Those times are when it is painfully obvious the emotional delays he has to catch up on-things naturally learned when you grow up in a family from the beginning. I have had to be 'on' at all times to direct, encourage, redirect, praise, model, etc his actions and everything we are trying to teach him right now.

It can be difficult to recognize sometimes when to challenge him more and when to treat him younger than he is.  I decided to start working with him on unbuttoning his shirt. It's as if he had never used his fingers before and could not figure out how to work the pointer and thumb together. If something is hard, he zones out and prefers to not even try so you have to snap him out of that and then go over and over again using words to explain each step. He kept watching my face instead of what he was doing and finally I figured out to have him sit in my lap facing out and with my arms around him, demonstrate once again with words and actions and he got it! We've been practicing a few buttons every morning and it's no longer a source of frustration for either of us. He loves to be praised and now tells himself 'good job' if I do not say it fast enough.

Potty training is going great! We've only had one small pee accident in the past month!! His night diapers are no longer soaked but are just wet enough to still need them. Maybe by the end of the summer (trying to take it slow), he will be out of those as well. We've started working on teaching him to go standing up. He thinks it is hilarious when he gets to go outside with big brother. Or course I need to get him to understand that he doesn't have to drop his pants completely to do so as that will completely embarrass his sisters!

Language is coming along slowly. He still labels everything and parrots what you say. I feel like I am playing charades with him daily trying to figure out what he wants, or trying to get him to understand what I am saying when it is something new. I am glad I can't see myself in the mirror while I exaggeratedly act out what he is doing and then model what he is supposed to do. I am seeing small progress with him expressing his own thoughts. He brought me a toy which had dead batteries in it and told me it was 'not working'. We were in the van and his sister behind him was pushing on his seat and he told me that 'mama, Bekah feet". He came home singing Frere Jacques in BG but now he sings it in English and recognizes that it is the same song.

He is routine oriented and struggles a bit if things change. One day we had family stay the night and the next morning we went down to tell them goodbye first thing. Ben is used to getting up, going potty and then getting up to the table for breakfast. I usually have to have it ready before he gets up to the table otherwise he starts hounding me for yogurt. Yogurt is like candy to him! Anyways, we went downstairs before going to the table and he had a very hard time with that. Very similar to how he reacted when we had to skip breakfast before his big dental appt. I gave him a snack to hold him over but it was not enough to get him to not panic, cry, and just become inconsolable. I am not sure how long or what it will take until he trusts what we tell him. For the record, the routine was only deviated from for 20 minutes and he was completely fine and happy after eating breakfast once they left.

As for how he handles being around people outside the immediate family...visitors to our home he will ask adults or older teens for hugs, and so we are encouraging grandparents to keep hugs to just hello and goodbye and any other times to direct him to us for that. For anyone outside the family we shake hands or give high fives to. When out shopping we noticed he will reach out and touch people as we walk by whether he is in or out of the cart. He now has to keep two hands on the cart at all times. Other females he will call 'kaka' and try to talk to them while making strange faces and reaching out to touch them or usher them closer. He also ignores me when other adult female visitors are in or home and ignores my directions, which can become challenging. Like any kid, he loves attention and can go overboard with showing off.

 

Ben's opinions are taking shape and he is making it known more when he does or does not like/want to do/eat something. Some of that is coming into play with food. He will still eat anything I give him but if given the option, he will say he is full before his bowl is empty depending on what it is. So far he is not a fan of pretty much any fruit, unless it is mixed in yogurt, haha. Even then he will eat around it if it is too obvious. He still resists foods that force him to bite with his remaining teeth but he has learned to eat pretty much anything and loves meal times. We still have a long way to go with eating habits and it can be exhausting at times.

A new development over the past month is that he likes to argue with everything I tell him. That can quickly become frustrating, yet in some ways I'm sure it is healthy for him to be doing also. A tiny example:

Ben: (bringing me a toy lion and putting it right in my face to look at) Mama, 'mion'. 'Mion'.
Me: Yes, that is a 'lion', can you say lion? Look at mama, 'Llll-lion'
Ben: lion
Me: good job
Ben: no, lion (He is finally beginning to make the switch from nay to no)

You can see it better in this video. Partly he was arguing because we had already practiced some of the letters before this video and I guess he did not want to repeat them. But it still shows that he knew what they were!

Without fail, once it hits 7pm, he start asking for his night diaper and pjs. We are still working on him understanding or wanting to understand what wait means. You can tell when he is getting tired because he starts getting clingier to me, asking for more hugs, will just sit and watch me waiting for me to say time for bed and wanting more direct interaction. At that point conversations go like this:

Ben: Mama!?
Me: (not hearing, immediately making eye contact or verbally responding to him within his expected 2 seconds)
Ben: Mama!? (repeat until I respond)
Me: Yes, Ben?
Be: Watch? (While pointing at the tv)
Me: Yes, sit down on the couch and watch the movie (He was already sitting on the couch looking at the tv before asking this)
Ben: Diaper?
Me: No diaper. It is not time to get ready for bed yet.
Ben: (2 minutes later) MaMa! Go play?
Me: Yes, go play!
Ben: (he goes over to the toy bucket to pick out a different car/train to hold/shake/spin the wheels on)
Ben: Mama, watch?
Me: Yes, sit down on the couch and watch the movie
Ben: (2 minutes later) Mama, go play? (and he goes over to pick out yet a different car to hold)

Repeat 10x until I say that it is time to get ready for bed! I realize that some of this is an attempt to keep himself awake. By the end of the day mama wishes she could change her name, lol. Don't forget that there are 7 other kids calling my name all day long. Or at least different variations of it. My 4yo says it with the same frequency as Ben does and that can be tiring :)

We successfully moved all four boys into the same bedroom. Ben is usually asleep very quickly but no matter how late he goes to bed, he is up by 6am without fail. Usually he sits on the edge of the bed waiting for me to come get him. Sometimes I find him bouncing around and that wakes up the baby if he bumps into the wall or starts talking. Thankfully he stopped opening the curtain, turning the fan off and the light on! He sleeps soundly but moves around in his bed a ton! They told me as much at the orphanage but it was hard to believe with as little as those beds were.
 

I finally got updated yearly pictures taken of the kids and what I love about them the most is that they were all taken at the same place, same time, same background-meaning, our family is all together. No longer half a world apart :)

 

I am looking forward to seeing what God has planned for his life :)

 

We love our precious little boy-another gift from Heaven-our son!

 

So glad he is a part of our family now and that we get to be a part of his miracle!

Baby Steps...or, Pedals

I looked outside yesterday and saw that Ben was on the big wheel racing in circles with his brother on the basketball court. This was a first since he has been home. Previously he would only tip it over and spin the wheels. I had no idea he knew or had figured out how to pedal. It takes skill and strength to alternate pushing each foot. There were no pedal cars at the orphanage. What you don't hear in the video because it was in the other clips is 'Mamaaaa" every 10 seconds, lol. Interpreted to mean "Mama, look at me!" Then he kept pretending to tip over and fake cry to get comfort, silly boy.

Not to stop there-he climbed up on his sister's two wheeled bike that has the training wheels still on it. The seat is too high for him but he still managed to pedal that around as well. Steering it was more difficult. I know what is going on the wish list next time we have some extra funds-a boys bike for Ben!

The first 2 months home, when sent outside, Ben spent the majority of his time swinging on his belly on the swing furthest from the dog. He is still not a big fan of the dog but as long as he knows it is tied up and won't come after him, he will lean down to pet it nicely. We have lost quite a few kids shovels that he has generously offered Jack to chew to smithereens! He is yet interested in playing in the sandbox but I know water will be a winner when summer comes. As for the swing, I'm guessing the floating feeling was calming. He still loves the swing and prefers his belly to sitting on it but I can no longer look out the window and know exactly where he is at. He follows his siblings around and is usually found wherever they are.  Unless he is getting hungry! Then I find him looking in the window and the potty breaks increase, lol.

A friend reminded me that even though there are days when it feels like we are going 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, progress is still being made. Going backwards can be frustrating but finding joy in the little things makes it worth it. It is easy to get overwhelmed by all the different things we are trying to work on with him that I forget all that he has had to overcome. All the things he has and is learning...and I realize the frustration comes in on my part when I push him too hard. It is not easy learning how to be part of a family. It is not easy learning a whole new langugage! So I am taking a step back and once again giving him opportunities to explore and experience new things without any expectation or intended outcome.

I am thankful for the beautiful Spring weather allowing them lots of time to just play outside and be kids. We found the best way to get the energy out of the little (and big) boys is to take laps around the house or garden. Big brother pretends to chase them, which they love, or they practice marching like soldiers.

I am looking forward to seeing what the next 3, 6 and 9 months bring. Will our little boy blossom even more?

Three month update coming soon!

An Inspiring Family

 

 

 

Story of Faith

Fine Motor Skills

Something that surprised me once our son came home, was how weak his hand muscles were. We knew his fine motor skills were delayed, but did not realize the extent of it. I don't know if after years of sucking his thumb constantly, he has learned to manage without using it at all?

He does not use his thumb and pointer finger to pick things up, he still scoops up with the fingers to palm like a baby does. He has no grip when he holds things...silverware, crayons, etc. That means that it easily falls out of his hands when not supported. I handed him a small plate with food on it to carry across the room and he dropped it twice in the space of three steps because he doesn't hold onto it tight like you need to in order to keep it level or in your hands. I think I have finally taught him to hold a spoon correctly instead the of the whole hand grip.

Picking up grapes were challenging in two parts, because I wanted him to use his finger/thumb to do so (and secondly in order to eat it, he needed to bite into it with his front teeth to get it open as you can't swallow grapes whole and he resists biting, preferring mashing with tongue/gums whenever possible).

He does not have the strength to make more than a faint line on a paper, let alone color in scribbles or trace letters. I tried working with him today doing circles or lines, just the motion on paper and he was not able to do that because he does not push down hard enough for the crayon to mark the paper.

We went to the park and they had a mini zipline that he wanted to try like the other kids were but wasn't able to hold on tight enough to hang from it without someone holding him there.

He can dress himself but can not do buttons. Zippers are awkward, though he can't start them, but he does use his hand and palm to grip the pull tab up and down.

I looked online and found a few activities we could do to help strengthen his hands. We picked up some supplies today for all the littles to do. He is more likely to do something new for any length of time if the other kids are doing it as well.

What we got:
Sponges-to squeeze the water out of for whole hand grip
Clothespins and chip clips-for the finger/thumb muscles
Empty squeeze bottles and spray bottles-for whole hand grip
Safety scissors
Playdough and putty
Tongs and large tweezers for transfering things from one container to another

We have a piggy bank that I was going to dump out and have him put all the coins back into the slot one by one.

Anyone have any experience, suggestions or links to share that we can do to strengthen his hand muscles? Basically we are going back to the basics. I can't start the bookwork part of school with him (beyond the oral, audio, visual and large motor skill learning he can and is already doing) until he is able to hold and mark with a pencil.

I Refuse

Sometimes I

I just want to close my eyes

And act like everyone's alright

When I know they're not

This world needs God

But it's easier to stand and watch

I could say a prayer and just move on

Like nothing's wrong

But I refuse

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse

I can hear the least of these

Crying out so desperately

And I know we are the hands and feet

Of You, oh God

So, if You say move

It's time for me to follow through

And do what I was made to do

Show them who You are

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse

To stand and watch the weary and lost

Cry out for help

I refuse to turn my back

And try and act like all is well

I refuse to stay unchanged

To wait another day, to die to myself

I refuse to make one more excuse

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

Oh, I refuse

To sit around and wait for someone else

To do what God has called me to do myself

Oh, I could choose

Not to move but I refuse

I refuse

I refuse

Official lyrics powered by 

A list worth reading...

...if you are thinking about adopting a child from an orphanage.

Take a look

It helps to be prepared and not go in with blinders on.

There is no way a child can spend any amount of time in foster care, an orphanage, and institution and not be affected in some way through no fault of their own.

Not everything may apply to the child you bring home but much of it may. The behaviors on the list do not define the worth of your child, but the knowledge of what to expect and prepare for will give you the tools to help them heal.

Believe me, they are worth it!

The long awaited, almost 2 months since Gotcha Day update!

Five more days from now and it will have been two months since I took our son out of the orphanage for the last time and brought him home to the USA. I can't believe the change in him since then-totally different boy now.

Lots to update on so I will just get started. Pictures will be edited into this post as I find time the next couple days. If I wait for pictures this might never get posted until it is time for the 3 or 4 month home update, haha. 

In BG, nay means no and they nod their head for no. Da means yes and they shake their head. Obviously we are opposite here. Ben understands no and nay mean the same thing and he will shake his head for our no but still nods when we say nay. And vice-versa for yes. It is humorous and confusing. 

Benjamin no longer sucks his thumb during the day! It was such a constant thing at the beginning and I know he needed that for comfort at first but it was not long at all before he no longer needed it for that. Took some distraction and some car band aids for about a week. He will still do it at night but it is not a requirement to get him to sleep, more just a habit when tired. One thing I have noticed is that he has a poor pincer grasp. It's like he can't use his thumbs from sucking them so much. So I'll be looking for activities to work with him on that.

(Right after returning from the dentist and waking up from anesthesia-lots of pain)

Ben's file said he was excessively drooling (soaking multiple bibs per day) for years and the psych drs in B couldn't seem to figure out the cause. Hmm...Last month, we had Ben's teeth fixed under anesthesia because they were in awful condition. He ended up needing all 8 molars removed as they were rotted and worn to the gum line and all infected plus he had cavities filled on the remaining ones. I can imagine the pain from it that he has been in for years. Turns out that once we got that taken care of and it healed, the drooling slowed down a ton. Now it is a normal amount of saliva in his mouth and he is learning to swallow like we do second nature. He is a mouth breather so his mouth is always open and part of his poor mouth muscle control seems to be from being a late talker and never learning to chew food. Some reminders throughout the day to swallow the spit and close his mouth seem to be enough to encourage him to swallow the excess and he no longer needs the bibs!! He still chews on his tongue (expecially when spinning the wheels on cars) and I imagine that will take a while to unlearn as he has been doing it for so long. I'm guessing it started with the tooth problems.

When Ben first came home, he cried when he had to go to the bathroom, specifically #2. We realized he was used to drinking very little water and we think the constant reflux hurt his throat and made it difficult to swallow as he would cry when offered drinks. I had to teach him to drink and at first require him to swallow between bites of food. Food was a motivation and he would do it willingly as long as he thought there was more food in the bowl. That last bite was a struggle for a while. He figured out how he could trick me into thinking he was taking a drink by just keeping it in his mouth or making a swallow sound but mama is too smart to fall for that, lol, which he quickly figured out. Sorry buddy, mama learned a thing or two from the siblings ahead of him. Now he asks for water willingly in between meals whenever thirsty, drinks water between bites on his own and the reflux/bile smell had completely stopped. He shows no pain at all from swallowing. He no longer stores food in his mouth. He has normal diapers and is no longer in pain from that. We realize at the orphanage the less they give the kids to drink, the less diapers need to be changed. 

So now we are working on teaching him to chew foods for the first time in his life (previously he just straight swallowed and refused anything that required chewing). I pureed everything when he was first home and he had a lot of yogurt but now we are working our way through different textures and stages of eating like a baby does during it's first year and he is eating pretty much what we eat now, though he still prefers swallowing over chewing. He no longer cries when hungry because he knows when regular meal times are and he knows there will be food. He does still eat very quickly. He takes tiny bites and can eat 5-8 tiny bites to one of my normal sized bites so oddly I'm having to teach him to take bigger bites because this requires him to move the food around in his mouth and attempt to bite and chew it. With the small bites he would put it in his mouth and swallow or  take a sip and wash it down in one quick motion-the lazy way which requires nothing of the use of his jaw.

I bought some Chew Tubes to teach him to use to get his gums used to mashing as it will be a while until his adult teeth come in. I showed him by example how and where to use it and he willingly copies anything which makes it much easier to teach him things.  Now I just use the same words and touch each cheek to remind him to bite and chew the food. Sounds simple but he does not enjoy it. Sometimes he will swallow and then pretend to chew, little stinker! If anyone reading this has experience teaching an older child to chew and eat (for the first time in their life) without any molors, I am all ears! We know that therapy is an option but for attachment sake, we'd like to hold off on rushing into that and doing what we can at home for the next few months. He willingly lets me brush his teeth and I am not seeing sensory issues.

This past week, now that his gums have healed I've been giving him more of the same foods we have to see what he would do. Often I will have to encourage a taste of something first before he will consider trying it but there are very few things he does not like or will not eat. He has a great appetite and it takes a lot to fill him up. He usually smells new foods first and will make a face at some things but will willingly try anything. Anything that requires chewing I will touch his cheek near where his molors were to remind him to 'bite' and chew. Throughout this past week for the first time he ate whole hotdogs, cheese sticks, a salad, boiled egg, whole banana (previously he would cry when he saw bananas and refuse to eat them unless they were mashed and mixed into something), roasted chicken, canned green beans, m&m's etc. Not all together, obviously :) For breakfast, his favorite thing is steel cut oats mixed with plain or flavored fruit yogurt and I've still been adding a vanilla Carnation instant breakfast packet until the ones I have run out. Not much else fills him up for long and usually when he gets up in the morning he will come to the table and point at the rice cooker asking for it. Sounds gross, but he also likes a mashed up boiled egg mixed into that as well.

******

In the almost 2 months since gotcha day, Ben has been such a sponge. He learned all the colors, shapes and most of the letters in English by sight after only being told what they were twice. We are working on naming animals and the sounds they make now at his leading. He loves to sing and knows Jesus Loves Me, the alphabet, twinkle twinkle, happy birthday, ring around the rosie, etc. He can't help but move to the music when it is on. He learned everyone's names quickly and loves telling who is who in all the pictures on the wall. He repeats everything we say and names things or points at it until we tell him what it is called. I am expecting an explosion of speech any time. He can be loud and silly and all boy and also calm and observing all that is going on around him.

The other day we had finished breakfast and he was sitting at the table waiting for me to be done (all the other kids had already gone to get dressed) and he turned around and pointed at the piano (he calls it a 'do-re-me-fa') because he wanted to play it. I told him no, not right now. Sitting on the piano was a toy car and he pointed at that and I told him to wait. Next thing I know he starts saying this clear as day: 'Mama, may I have the car please?' I had had him repeat that after me for the first time the day before when I got tired of him just pointing and me having to play guessing games of what he was wanting and he remembered the entire thing and correctly used it! I was so proud :) So, of course he got to go play on the piano with the toy car in his hand! Now that I know he understands how to use his words to ask for things, I am walking him through that each time in different scenarios and it is making it so much easier to communicate with him. He sounds like such a polite little boy saying 'may I' and 'please'. I taught him to say 'mmm, yummy' when eating so now there is at least one child who likes every meal I make, haha.

He is picking up words quickly but I still have no idea what is going on in his head. Most conversations go like this one that occured while he was sitting on the potty. You'll notice my grammar going downhill quickly with the conversation in an attempt to simplify the point and trying to get an answer before he gets distracted.

Me: (Coming to check on him) Are you all done going potty?
Ben: Are you all done?
Me: Do you have to go more potty?
Ben: More potty?
Me: All done stink? Do you have to go more stink?
Ben: More Stink? (he does know what this means)
Ben: Shower (pointing at the showerhead above him)
Me: Yes, that is a shower.
(repeat the above two lines 5x, or he'll start naming colors on his shirt, the shower curtain, the toothbrushes, etc)
Ben: (Starts singing Jesus Loves Me)
Me: (I sing along for one round and then repeat the beginning of the above conversation)

I've learned to not say anything when I come into the bathroom and wait for him to initiate "Are you all done?" while signing 'All-done'. If he does that, I have my answer and he hops down and pulls up his pants or waits for me to wipe him depending on the need. Of course 5-10 minutes later he has to go potty again.

Ben came to us in diapers and is now potty training. He was time trained previously to go whenever they took him but was in diapers at all times and peed whenever he had to go. As a result of a huge increase in liquids, he has to pee constantly but he never seems to empty his bladder. Makes me wonder if they were required to sit until they went every break or if it is just going to take him a while to learn to hold it for longer periods of time. He understands what accidents are and that we are trying to avoid those, and he is doing great with that, though his bladder is very small and he can not hold it long (suggestions??). I have not changed a dirty diaper from him in 2 weeks and he is in underwear now completely during the day, telling me when he has to go. At night, once I got him to start drinking, he wet a lot and we had to go with with special nighttime diapers that hold more and I was even considering extra liners but they ended up not being necessary.

A funny...he is wearing Gerber training underwear right now so everytime he pulls his underwear up, he has to point out that there is a baby on the tag and says 'Hi baby, hi Joe-Joe", lol!

Ben has never been aggressive with any of his siblings. The worst we've had to deal with in that area is pushing when brushing past someone to get somewhere. He's always in a hurry to get where he is going and he walks/runs with his hands always partly up as if to catch his fall or block himself. He cries and tries to comfort his siblings when they get in trouble and joins in when they are chasing or playing music games. Makes it difficult trying to walk the 2yo through apologizing and hugging him when Ben says the sorry and hug for him. He follows directions well, is obedient and at the same time, like any 6yo boy, has a hard time just sitting still and being quiet. As he has opened up, he always has to be making a noise.

After those first couple weeks we had him, we've had no raging or major fits. He will whine and cry like a child not getting their way but there is no anger in it like there was at first. We have not since then had to hold him close to protect himself or us, he does not do the auto agression that he did before. Discipline that works for him is simple as taking his toy car away, or a time in sitting quietly next to mom or dad. He is a very easy kid to parent so far. Like any child, he does test me and knows just when my hands are tied and I can't deal with a situation as is needed or immediately (at the drs office or on the phone). But really, there has been nothing out of the ordinary of normal kids stuff learning the boundaries and what mom and dad's words and looks and tones of voice mean...all things the others have been learning since they were babies.

He is loving and asks for 'hoogs' (hugs) often (especially when tired) and likes to be held or to just be near me at all times. He loves being outside but often comes up to the window to see where I am. He'll play 'keek-a-boo' around the window sill and thinks that it is hilarious when I scare him with a boo. He has learned that potty breaks get him inside to check on where I am and when meal times are coming, so I have noticed those increasing. He seeks comfort when hurt. He responds appropriately to correction (not in fear or humor like before). Often he will start giggling as if he has a private joke that we can't figure out. Sometimes it's a funny sound on a toy that he will carry around for us all to listen to or something that happened in a movie to make him laugh but more often I can't for the life of me figure out what he is laughing at.

 (He lined up all those cars himself...all my kids have done that at some point) 

He is happy, smiley, relaxed and interacts with the other kids, though we are still teaching him how to play. When going outside he prefers to spend most of the time swinging on the swings on his belly. It takes intentionally effort to involve him in whatever the other kids are doing. inside or outside. He will follow them through the woods and push the cars or pull the wagon around but mainly prefers to play alone still, so much like his older brother. Big brother was expecting more of a playmate but Ben is much closer to his 2yo brother's level when it comes to playing. With time and example, I hope he will develop an imagination and enjoy doing more things. Our 2yo has had the biggest adjustment and shown the most jealousy and acting up with all the changes of the past couple months. But they seem like they will be the best of friends in time.

He loves anything with wheels and the big board books that are full of pictures to name. He has an excellent throwing arm, loves to be chased and tickled, and rough house play with daddy. He loves going for drives in the van but still gets very nervous anytime we go inside any buildings, or if I take him someplace on my own (bad memories of me taking him to the dentist and coming home in major pain!). He used to whine/cry at the CVS pharmacy drivethrough, but 4 trips later he no longer does that there so I guess just time and exposure will teach him that it is okay, we are not leaving him and we will always come home. He prefers being home most of all but I'm thankful he is such a good rider in the van. He gets into his seat, puts the straps on and does the top part on his own. He enjoys looking out the window and singing while we drive down the road-no worries of carsickness!

We have only had visitors briefly once so far and noticed he likes to give hugs to anyone who plays or interacts with him so we are going to have to work on teaching him who and when is appropriate for hugging. He does not go up to strangers at stores, or wander out of our yard, which I am thankful for. I know that some of that can be a concern with attachment. I'm not quite sure what to look for as signs that he is not attaching...

At first Ben had no interest in tv. He would kinda chide at the tv whenever Cars was on and say 'die' when he saw a car on the screen he wanted us to give to him'. Now he will sit for any of the Leapfrog videos and recognizes that the puppy in the movie is the same as his stuffed puppy. He also loves anything music and the Cedarmont Kids videos are a favorite. One day that was on and he recognized one of the songs playing and went and got his puppy and pushed the paw until the same song was playing as what was on the tv.

Ben has stopped saying his birth name. He refers to himself as Ben, Benjamin or Benji, and transitioned to that very easily and quickly. He has stopped referring to me as "Layla" (Meaning auntie in BG). At first it was always layla, or layla mama and I was sure he thought mama was just another name like "Aunt Sue" or "Aunt Jane". Then one day he copied the little kids calling me 'mommy' and since then he went back to mama and dropped the layla. Now I hear a repetitive 'mama, mama, mama' out of him trying to get my attention like my 4yo does!

He loves to help...he follows direction well and will get me the diapers or wipes or put dirty clothes into the laundry when I ask him. If I say "pick up the books' when cleaning the family room he knows to go all over the room finding the board books and putting them on the shelf where they belong (and he is thorough). The vacuum was a source of fear at first but he learned there is a button you can stand on that auto winds up the cord so as soon as I am done he runs to push that and then he will move the vacuum to the corner it belongs in. He loves standing at the gate looking into the laundry room while the washer and dryer are running. And ceiling fans are a favorite to point out everywhere we go. He is still scared of loud noises.

We've been working on teaching him to respect personal space. Not to just climb all over someone (those elbows and knees hurt!) and get right in people's faces. He has learned to ask before just climbing up onto your lap.

I've been trying to find the balance of treating him like the 6yo he is and keeping my expectations lower to match up with his dev level while he is learning so much right now. At first he was in a high chair during meals but the past couple weeks he has been sitting at the table and much more prefers that. He had to ride in the stroller whenever we went grocery shopping or to the drs at first to have a 'safe spot' as it was overwhelming to him but now we are working on him walking and hanging onto the side of the cart (without wandering off or touching everything). Everytime he puts his coat on he always puts one arm in and then somehow gets his elbow into the other sleeve and gets stuck. So we have been doing a lot of 'Benjamin do it' to encourage him to figure it out on his own instead of us doing everything for him, and it never takes long until he does. Clothes that are inside out are very confusing for him to turn ride side out. He does manage to put his clothes and shoes on correctly everytime, though. He seems more delayed emotionally than he does mentally. He's very smart and catches onto things quickly but his responses to being scared or nervous or hurt or wronged are like a younger child.

(This picture is from today-the ONLY nap he has ever taken since I picked him up...it lasted 10 minutes before children slammed the door. Today his Certificate of Citizenship came!!)

Shortly after 7pm every night he starts asking for his diaper and pjs. He is very ready for bed and is asleep without fail in less than 5 minutes from the time his head hits the pillow. I am so thankful that he is a great sleeper.

We are a quiet, calm, goofy family and were afraid a child we adopted would have a totally different personality and we were surprised to see he is a perfect fit. God knew what He was doing! We are so thankful that He gave us the gift of Benjamin to love and raise as our own son!